The i-Dad

Dads all over the UK steel themselves at the prospect of facing a life on the dole as Apple launches the new i-Dad.

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My favourite things: My Life with Sonny the Black Menace

I love that boy. We are shambolic together. 

This is just 2 mins of our "routine". I bet those Crufts champions are shitting themselves.

PS: the word you're looking for is "majestic".

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My favourite Things: People Watching

I am a right nosey git. I could sit all day and just people watch.

I was spoilt for choice here in People Watch Central in the pedestrian area just outside Marks and Spencers in Aberdeen. Sit here for no longer than 2 minutes and the rich tapestry of humanity unfurls in front of you. I am being deliberately flowery in my language because let's face it,let's call it what it is; I like to spot freaky people.

I got a fair few candid snaps of some local characters and as I sat up to move on I was going to put a shot up of the bloke who sings cover versions of country songs with a full synth set up and a range of his own CDs for sale (which I saw 3 people buy whilst I was there, so he's clearly got a fanbase). The man intrigues me. I see him and I think, "What's your story, mate?"

And then there's the old newspaper seller outside Markies who looks like he's an extra in Lord of the Rings. And then there's the middle eastern bloke with the Marionettes who seems to have actual skill other than turning a handle. And then there's...oh there are too many!

But none of them were to be my photo today, because as I left I snapped this bloke who I think was once a student of mine briefly and who I keep on seeing around town, each time looking more and more like a rock star. Because that is one of my other favourite things and that's folk who dress like rock stars even if they are not.

Turns out it was my favourite of my people watching photos today, not just because I caught him doing a very un-rock-and-roll thing, like taking cash out of an ATM, but because of the contrasting un-rock-and-roll drunken man sat just along from him.

The other characters of Aberdeen city centre will just have to wait their turn for their moment in the sun (the sun brings the freaks out by the way). 

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My Favourite Things: Part 1: Dog Air Surfing

I haven't been blogging much but I have been Blipfoto-ing recently. I'm loving Blipfoto so much I think it's maybe started taking over as my main means of blogging. I can't have that; it's Misssives or die. So I'm linking the two up. This was my Blipfoto today and it's also going to be my blog theme for the week (or so).I've been meaning to do this series for a while about stuff that just floats my boat. Stuff that makes me laugh. Stuff that makes life worth living.  

Here's No1: Dog Air Surfing

 Sonny is one of my favourite things for sure, but you knew that. No, this photo represents that thing that dogs do when traveling in the car. Crack a window open and you'll see it- they like to ride shotgun and air surf. I don't know why they are compelled to do it, and I don't care- it's just ace and needs no reason.

I love this about dogs.

I love seeing other dogs doing it.

I love it when my own dog does it.

It never fails to make me smile.

I'm tempted to do it myself because if 100% of dogs do it and love it, what are we, as the human race possibly missing out on?

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Sandy Lovepole RIP

 Sandy Lovepole at the New Deer Adult Film Festival in 1982

The North East has woken up today to the sad and untimely death of prolific Doric Adult Filmmaker Sandy Lovepole.

Sandy was born Alexander Cruickshank in 1956 in Cullen and was the only son of Geordie and Margaret Cruickshank. He died unexpectedly, mysteriously and violently on Sunday night.

He was schooled at Cullen Primary and later Buckie Academy from which he was expelled after using the school’s AV equipment to make his first movie “Neep Throat”. He was lent the equipment by his art teacher who he cites as being his mentor, Mrs Trick who lost her teaching job as a result. Fans of Lovepole’s work will of course know that his teacher became his first muse and he coined her screen name Ma Strict. Ma Strict would star in many of Lovepole’s early films such as Debbie does Durris, StrathBoogie Nights, Swingin’ in Finzean, Nicky-Tam Nympho, Jizzom Bizzom and Mounting Hooly.

He would return to Cullen in his thirties to make his seminal film “The Misadventures of the Cullen Skank”, the film which later would see him nearly financially ruined when a former fishwife girlfriend, Kitty Brewster took him to court when she claimed he had used their relationship as the basis for the film. Lovepole settled out of court on the understanding that she would make no claims to his fortune in the future. 

Brewster was to open a chain of chipshops with her settlement. Critics believe that his hardcore masterpiece “Foamin' at the Gashvale Chipper” was a response to the whole affair but Lovepole would neither confirm nor deny this although Gashvale’s lead actor Hugh Jass (and star of gay Doric porn classics “Holeburn Junction”, "Ken Fits", “A Scot's Queer” “RothienorManLove” and “ Sunset Schlong”)  let slip in an interview with the Ellon Advertiser that Brewster’s lawyers had once turned up on set. Kitty Brewster and Lovepole did later bury the hatchet and he claimed he wrote the script for Methlick my Bum as a thinly veiled apology/love letter to her after caught e-coli from a rank white puddin’ and nearly died.

Lovepole’s career went into decline after the untimely death of his 3^rd wife and former Doric porn legend Rose Mount who he always claimed had choked on a buttery after one of their love making sessions. The P and J made his life hell with a series of reports with thinly veiled reports of sexual misadventure. He lost his libel suit against Aberdeen Journals which saw him pay costs and settle a counter suit. He set about rebuilding his empire with a string of ill judged films for the hardcore European market. He released a string of poorly received under the counter films “Fist Like?” “Bellabegs for It” , “Rita, Sue and the Turra Coo” , “Teabagging at Tyrebagger”, “In the Butt o’ Ben”  and “Sheep Impact”. 

He claimed his career was saved when he started collaborating with young Doric porn wunderkind Girth Dee. The two met at the premier of Girth’s student film, a Doric reimagining of Erica Jong’s feminist masterpiece, “Fear of Fly Cupping”. Lovepole was oft quoted calling Girth Dee “my natural successor” and “my young apprentice”. The two would go on to make Doric Porn classics “Yer MaCamerons!” and “Twa Quines ain Quaich”, both of which crossed into the international market and were translated  from the Doric into 25 languages including Lallans and Gaelic. Garth Dee is reportedly scripting a Doric Porn Opera in tribute to the great man. He said yesterday, "Lovepole and I always talked about doing Madam Butterfly but setting it in The Broch. It's got everything, that opera. We were thinking some loon fae the Broch deflowers this wee Japanese lassie fae a trendy sushi bar in Toon then fucks off, like..."

Sandy is survived by umpteen weans throughout the Grampian area and his lovely 6^th wife and former muse Babs Oot-Firthelads (star of “Giving Peterheid” “Crude Bay” and “Fat Boddam Girl” which saw Peterhead dubbed The Blue Toon by Empire Magazine) and his mistress and most recent leading lady Helen Midden (Star of “The Cromarty Filth”, “The Quine” and “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and her Funcy Piece”) who has been left a share of his considerable fortune. 

Girth Dee inherits all of Lovepole’s film props and the secret recipe for Lovepole’s patented sexual lubricant which is effective in temperatures to a wind-chill factor of -25degrees.

Sandy Lovepole (7 August 1956-3^rd March 2011)

This post is for everyone who made me laugh on Tuesday night on twitter with the #doricporn theme. I've stolen all your stuff! (Follow them:  @ABZQuine @GordonWright @andiabz @markrae @redbellyboy @BeefyLorelei @DaisyGlaisy @arricc @Mr_Paw_Broon @Jamsie @jenstar77 @bcnsco @Christeenie @renamuscanada @grahamecase @vambo @LuciusShitface @rxpell @roomitchell @BillySangster @SaorEcosse @clarkie1973 @weebesom @ColinWHutch @ajjohnstone @simebo @KirstenHay1971 @peelywallysnr @sabele26 @hopemanman @naechance @Hamespun @rabcgray @coachingabn @apexofthecurve @watty62 @BraeScotland @lenathehyena @alisonsdiary @brianjaffa and me @misssym

....and possibly more I've left out by mistake- let me know if you were involved and I'll add your tweetname to the roll call)

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