Stalin misreads his invite to the Potsdam Conference:" I thought it said fancy dress!" laughed the dictator behind the deaths of 60 million
I don’t know whether you’ve noticed but I often mention that I am not allowed to go back to
I am not making this up.
Truth is I am awaiting news of the death of a 100+ year-old German woman that will make it safe for me to return. For it was this elderly harridan who banned me from returning to the country I spent a year of my University studies in.
Come with me, I’ll explain on the way...
About six weeks into my time in
We found city central lodgings with an 83 year old woman who owned a substantial townhouse that I’m sure had belonged to a nice Jewish family at one point. She was letting out the little tartan wallpapered flatlet at the top of her house.
On arriving to view the flat we laughed at the name on the buzzer:
“FUKA”.
And, by God, did this little white haired minion of Satan not live up to her name.
Pleasant at first, she soon began to nurture an intense hatred of me and all I apparently stood for, and it wasn’t long before I made no attempt to stop myself calling the (non-English speaking) woman “Frau Fucker” squarely to her little wizened face.
I swear, and I have my Girl Guide salute aloft as I type this, so you KNOW it is true- I swear she had a photograph of her dead husband in uniform on the side board. No really- yes, THAT uniform. You know- the one Bryan Ferry said he liked.
Not for her the furtive sweeping under the carpet of those dark years. In my lowest points with Fuka, I almost paid for my Gran to fly over and bitch fight her. But given that the talks at the Potsdam Conference between the Allies had called on our nations to strive for the goals of the establishment of post-war order, the issuing of peace treaties, and the countering the effects of war, I felt it prudent to resist. My Gran felt the same, on reflection. So the fight never took place. Sadly.*
Instead, I had to put up with the woman listening for us passing her door EVERY time we came home, day or night. As we passed, she would open her door to check up on what we were doing and crucially who we were with. If we managed to scale the walls and silently sneak past her door like nimble cat burglars, she would spring into action as soon as she heard our key in our front door upstairs. For an 83 year old she had the hearing and reflexes of a young jaguar.
I can feel her shrill voice piercing my every cell even right now, as I remember her shouting up the stairs after me,
“Fraulein Mis-ssy!!!!”
Aside from the sound of “Dignity” by Deacon Blue, this sound will be on a loop in my cell in purgatory if ever I should spend any time in the Underworld.
Fuka would not allow us to get our own telephone installed. We were to receive (never make) calls on her household phone. This meant we couldn't be openly hostile to her. We needed people to be able to contact us through her. And she wanted to spy on us.
She also had her own key to our flat which she would use pretty much every time we went out. I know because I would catch her at it.
My flatmate Gerty and I hated her. And she us. Until Gerty hit on a masterstroke that would make me the sole target for Fuka’s twisted wrath.
And given that I could write a bloody book on my year with Fuka The Fucker, I will leave that until Part Two.
* Because my Gran would have won.
12 comments:
Fuka rhymes with Stuka, which was the German dive-bomber. A coincidence? She may have been one of Hitler's secret weapons, whose radioactive fanny wasn't quite operational when the war ended. Hence the resentment.
The funniest bit of this post is the line "if I should spend anytime in the Underworld".
With the greatest of respect, surely that's a done deal already!! ;-)
She has a truly legendary name, I wish I had it. Maybe I'll deed-poll myself Fuka.
Gorilla: This woman is the weapon Hitler wished he had.
Gordon:Somewhere the Devil has a playlist waiting for all of us. I think the Lighthouse family feature on most people's.
Jaggy: It's quite a good gangsta rapper name isn't it?
Oooh, a cliffhanger!! Excellent! I had the opposite experience, staying in Rendsburg once with a lovely German family who earnestly told me I could come home at whatever time I wanted, it was fine with them. I then had to live with their looks of sad reproach for the rest of the stay after I stoated in drunk at 4am. Ahem.
This sounds awfully similar to my years with Mr. Carrabino, the brother of my 80-year-old landlord, who spent many an evening watching television in tubesocks with the blinds slightly drawn. You may have just inspired a much needed post. Thanks for the laugh!
Loth: Problem was that we weren't living WITH Fuka- we were renting a flat from her. More to come...
Ashley: I look forward to it!
Loving the idea of the Devil's Playlist. Perhaps a commenters' collaboration?
I'll see your Lighthouse Family and raise you Curiosity Killed the Cat.
Duck: Yes, we should do that- the Devil's playlist would certainly generate some debate. "Walking Back to Happiness" by Helen Shapiro would definitely be on mine. I hate that so much that if I hear it playing somewhere I have to leave.
This is fantastic! Is it going to be like the snail story where I have to wait ages for the next installment? Please, noooooooo! I don't know if I can last that long!
I've tagged you, if you're onto being tagged...
This came to mind when I read this!
Insteadi: Will have a look at the tag- I do attempt them from time to time but usually in a twisted kind of a way.
T and A: Utterly fabulous- haven't heard that for years. Off to go and dig out old Cure albums. Soundtrack to my teen years, they were!
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